Before I Let You Go
by Joei Cassidy
Summary: Set six months after Brian Cassidy's shooting in the season 14 premiere, Olivia comes to a decision and finally seeks Elliot out to let him know of it. T for language, may become M later. Thank you for reading! E/O plus Brian Cassidy with mentions of other characters.


**Before I Let You Go**

Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**I normally try to give my stories an intro but I'm not going to here – since it would just give away things before you read it. In any case, I hope you enjoy it! As you all know I do not have a beta so any errors –typos or grammar or whatever, let me know so I can correct them asap. **_

_**Thanks for reading! **_

**. . .**

**What the hell was she doing here? **

If she was honest with herself it was because….

'_Because what Olivia? Come on, say it.'_ An inner voice spoke up, taunting her.

She shook her head, trying to silence it and momentarily succeeding. She didn't want to think about why she had come here.

It was barely 8 am on a clear winter day in February – a Monday. She had been across the street, about two houses away from Elliot's for almost an hour now. She had gotten here just a little after 7am. She didn't know what she was waiting for. She knew she could have just gotten out and rang the bell and someone would answer.

She knew that the only child left in the house was Eli. The twins were already in college and so that left Eli.

She didn't really know how things were the Stablers now. She didn't even know what Elliot did for a job now. She hadn't seen him in for a year and a half and so much has changed since then. And as if to emphasize that change, the cold winter sun caught something on her hand that suddenly glinted as she gripped the windshield.

The glint was from her ring and it caught her eye. Her ring. Her _**ENGAGEMENT ring**_. Brian Cassidy had given it to her 2 weeks ago when he asked her to marry him. They had been dating since they reconnected around 6 months ago.

At first going out with him was just brought about by guilt. He had been shot while he was with her. She wasn't able to have his back. For a few tense hours, the doctors weren't sure how grave his condition was. But then he pulled through and suddenly she wanted a second chance with him. She didn't treat him very nicely when they had their thing back during her first year with SVU. She remembered how she kept blowing him off after they had slept together and she was no longer horny. She had always intended that night to be just that night. But Brian had a different idea. Elliot quickly figured out what had happened and told her to kill him with kindness so that he may just fade away later.

He did but not because of that. He faded and disappeared out of SVU because he couldn't take the nature of their cases. But before he left, he tried so hard with Olivia. Olivia knew he genuinely liked her. She liked him too just not in the same way. So she had been relieved when he left – her problem was gone.

When they had seen each other again six months ago, during that case that for a while had Cragen in jail – she had sensed that he had changed. That annoying puppy dog act that had been endearing for only one short night years ago, was gone. In place was a tougher take charge attitude – a definite improvement. But still, it never crossed her mind to give the two of them another shot…not until he WAS shot on her watch. Again, while it was guilt that made her go out with him this time and not horniness, she was able to let herself be open to their possibility. She never was before. But maybe the guilt softened her up but there you go, she had let herself keep her options open. She got to know Brian and liked what she found. Was it inconvenient, passionate, can't live without each other love – well, no she definitely couldn't say that. But she did love him and she knew very well that HE loved her. And so when he asked her to marry him she said yes.

She had been happy when he proposed. Alex, Casey, Amanda, John and Fin were happy for her. Even Captain Cragen. And for a week or so, she was on cloud nine. She was engaged. And the Neil Lane rock he had given her was amazing. She knew it must have cost him a pretty penny.

But then sometime just before the previous weekend, the novelty of being engaged faded away. And suddenly, the doubts came. Then she had run into Dani Beck at a local Starbucks. Elliot's former temporary partner only met her very briefly and didn't know who she had been when she did. She didn't speak to Dani. But she remembered Dani sort of giving her a strange look as she turned to walk out of the coffee shop while Olivia was still in line. Olivia was sure that Dani was trying to place why she looked so familiar. She didn't really care whether she placed her or not.

But running into Dani made her think of Elliot. Where he was now, what he was doing, etc. And suddenly she wanted to see him. She wanted to tell him she was engaged. She wanted him to know.

Just yesterday, she had talked to Alex and Casey about it. She told them of her plans to go to where she was now. She told them that she wanted to tell him that she was getting married. And both had questioned the necessity of it.

"Why do you need to tell him Liv?" Casey asked, looking confused.

"Yeah!" Alex seconded. "The fucker left you without even a goodbye. Why do you need to tell him?"

"I don't know… I…I…he was my best friend for so long."

"Come on, Liv." Alex gave her a look and then exchanged a meaningful one with Casey before both turned back to her.

"What?" Olivia asked the two of them, an exasperated note in her voice.

"Liv…" Casey's voice was conciliatory.

"Don't Liv me." Olivia remarked a bit sharply. "Come on you two. You obviously have something you want to say. So just spit it out."

Once more, Casey and Alex exchanged looks. Alex nodded to Casey, signaling that she should be the one to speak for the two of them and so Casey did.

"Liv, is that all you want to accomplish with telling him about you're engagement?" Casey tried to tread lightly. She didn't want to upset her friend but at the same time she and she knew Alex agreed that Olivia needed to be honest with herself. And at that moment, she wasn't being that.

"What do you mean? Of course! Well I mean, I kind of want an excuse to see him – it's been a year and a half guys, I miss my best friend. I want to see how he is."

"You could have done that a long time ago Liv. But you didn't. Or if you needed time to get over his leaving, well I think you have, and you don't need this excuse." Casey continued.

Olivia sighed inside her car remembering what Casey said next when she asked them to elaborate on their thoughts.

"I think – " Casey began but then she stopped abruptly as Alex cut her off.

"WE think…"

Casey looked at Alex and nodded and started again. "WE think that the reason you want to tell Elliot is your way of giving him an ultimatum."

Olivia's eyes had widened and her jaw dropped at the words. For a moment she couldn't speak but then she recovered and asked, "What do you mean?"

"We mean Olivia," This time it was Alex who spoke up, her tone firm but gentle, "you've always been in love with him. But he's married. Plus he was your partner."

"In love with Elliot?" Olivia's eyes had widened again and she could feel herself redden. But she tried to distract them from her actual reaction by faking a laugh. "Are you joking me?"

Olivia inserted as much vehemence and disbelief as she could manage. Once more the two ADAs exchanged glances.

Casey told her, "Come on Liv, everyone knows it. And you know what he was in love with you too."

This time Olivia did laugh but it was a laughter without mirth. "How do you figure that?"

"Jesus, Liv. All one had to do was see you guys together for five minutes to know." Alex revealed.

"Really? If that's the case, why isn't he with me?"

"Uh, coz Liv, he's married. Let's face it – he's Catholic – he'd never divorce Kathy – she'd have to be the one to divorce him. Then there's you…" Casey replied.

"Yeah, there's you." Alex took it from where Casey left off. "You would never have an affair. At least not with him. Not with the kind of friendship you guys have."

"But then again," Casey continued, "just because you guys couldn't actually do anything doesn't mean you weren't in love. You affair wasn't physical. It was emotional."

"Really?" Sarcasm laced Olivia's tone.

"Really." Alex confirmed. Once more her statement was firm yet gentle.

"Liv, admit it. You want to tell him because you want to give him a chance to make you change your mind. To go after you finally. In a way it's you making the first move, but you're going to make him think it's him who has to make the first move." Casey put in, looking earnest.

She hadn't known what to say after that. She could only shrug. Having said what's on their mind, Alex and Casey had allowed her to change the topic then.

But now as she sat in her car, she knew deep down that was the reason she was here. She wanted to tell Elliot she was getting married because she wanted to finally force his hand. Even though she had denied it up and down to Casey and Alex, she knew what they had been saying is true. For almost all of their partnership Olivia had loved Elliot. And she knew he felt the same way. She remembered Gitano and what he said after that ordeal. That was a turning point in their partnership. They were forced to face how much they meant to each other. And seeing that was scary.

In fact the fear of that had driven the two of them apart for a time but then they found their way back to each other. And their relationship and partnership became stronger. Her love had become more deep and profound and once more she just knew he felt the same.

But in the end, after Jenna he had decided to leave SVU and not even say goodbye. When he did that, she broke. And it was with Brian that she finally felt that she could move on. When she had first decided to do this, she convinced herself that she needed to see Elliot and tell him to move on. And yes there was still that – but only a small part. The much bigger part wanted him to finally see he was about to lose her and finally do something about getting her. Yes, if she was really honest, she was here because she wanted to force his hand. And whether that was good or bad or both, she didn't care. At this point, she just wanted to either continue with him or find her closure.

She had almost gone down and knocked on his door a couple of times since she got there. But then she always hesitated. She didn't know whether or not he was till with Kathy. All she knew was that Lizzie and Dickie were out of the house. They were graduating high school the year he left SVU. So they should be in the middle of college by then.

She glanced at the ring Brian gave her and a little smile came upon her face. It WAS a beautiful ring. Brian DID choose well. But was she really doing the right thing? Saying yes to Brian and then coming here?

She knew in her heart she shouldn't be here when she had already accepted Brian's proposal. She should have never accepted the ring until she was sure that it was Brian she wanted. She knew she should have done this before the proposal. But then the proposal – her engagement – gave her a leverage she didn't have before to force Elliot's hand. Hell if there was anything to force at this point. Two years ago, she knew there would have been but that was two years ago, this was now. She could only hope at this point.

She took a deep breath and finally decided it was time to knock. But before she could get out of the car, she saw a white minivan pull up to the front of the house and park. Quickly Olivia, sank down a bit in her car seat, so that she won't be seen. She saw that it was Kathy in the minivan. She rang the doorbell and a couple of minutes later, Elliot had come out with Eli (God, he was so big already!) and his bag. He kissed Kathy on the cheek, said a few words to Eli and hugged him. Then he stood up and Kathy and Eli walked away.

Olivia ducked out of sight as Kathy drove by her. Her heart pounded a bit until Kathy finally disappeared on the next corner.

Olivia was confused. Were they separated again? It looked like Kathy had been picking up Eli. Maybe she had a shift and just went home to pick him up because Elliot had work. Or maybe…

Olivia couldn't deny it. The thought of the two of them being separated again made her heart soar with hope while the thought – the latter one – the more practical one, made her heart sink.

She hoped it was the former. But if it was the former what if he didn't feel the same? Wait! Did she really just think that? Did she really just accept Brian's proposal because she wanted to use it to force Elliot's hand. Earlier she had thought that – but when she had thought it, it was an idea that came about later on after it sank in that she was engaged to someone not Elliot. But now she wondered. Maybe this had been at the back of her even as Brian asked her.

God, when did she get so conniving? If love true and real, shouldn't it be easy?

_'And who are you? Cinderella? Wait, not even Cinderella found true love that easily. Come on Liv, stop beating yourself up. Just do what you came here to do already.'_ And there was that inner voice again. That inner HONEST, NO HOLDS BARRED voice.

She sighed and gave in. She had to do this. She was going to figure out the rights and wrongs of this later on. But she knew she was going to do it. Had to do it. Olivia checked her reflection in the mirror and deciding she looked good for someone who was up this early, she took a deep breath and got out of the car.

As normally as she could, she walked the distance to his house. When she got to his porch, she took another deep breath and finally rang the doorbell.

Her heart beat crazily especially when she heard his footsteps. And then suddenly the door was open and Elliot exclaimed, "Olivia!"

"Hi Elliot."

"What…what are you doing here?'

Elliot didn't look exactly happy to see her. But nevertheless, Olivia continued on. "I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something. Can I come in?"

His blue eyes met her brown ones and finally after what seemed an eternity, he nodded, stepped aside and motioned her to come in.

Olivia breathe an inward sigh of relief and stepped inside and into Elliot's life again.

. . .

To be continued…

_**So I have a story called the Hardest Thing. Without giving anything away, if you haven't read it, in that story, Elliot seeks out Olivia because he needed to tell her something – a decision he had made that affects both of them. And today as I was re-reading that I thought, what if it was the other way around. What if it was Olivia seeking him out because she needed to tell him something she had decided that will affect both of them? And thus this story was born. **_

_**Anyway, up next: **_

_**Will Olivia be able to force Elliot's hand? **_

_**Will Elliot realize that he's about to lose Olivia? **_

_**What will he do? What will happen? All coming up. **_

_**This won't be a long multi-chapter story. I plan on it being at the most 5 chapters. No more than that. **_

_**Thank you for reading!**_

_**Please review! Here and on Twittter: Jo_Bautista**_


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